Modified article from ‘de Volkskrant’
Peanut butter is a food made from finely ground peanuts. It is especially popular as a spread in the United States, Canada, Turkey, England and the Netherlands. Americans eat an average of one and a half kilo of peanut butter per person per year. In the Netherlands, every child grew up with peanut butter for peanut butter is very wholesome. Even athletes consume it frequently.
It is likely that peanut butter will soon be on the list of banned substances. This is evident from secret documents in my possession. The famous statement ‘on a peanut butter sandwich you cannot win the Tour de France’ has awakened doping hunters. “Peanut butter is less innocent than it looks,” an anonymous doping expert said. (H. Ramp).
“Thanks to the successful approach to doping it is now possible to win the Tour on a peanut butter sandwich indeed. As a result, athletes who do not like peanut butter are at a disadvantage. So then it is not fair play anymore. “
After all the fuss about meldonium peanut butter is -according to insiders- the next spearhead in the fight against doping. “And then the Dutch athletes will be in great difficulties. They sometimes consume three jars of peanut butter a week. And I’m talking about the big family jars”.
Probably peanut butter will be on the list of banned substances before the start of the Tour. The agent may be used unpunished until July 1, but from then on peanut butter users will have to lead their lives as ‘doping sinners’.
Several Dutch athletes have reacted with disappointment to the intention to ban peanut butter. “I desire nothing else on my bread,” said a well-known cyclist (B. Mollema). “My whole training structure is based on a jar of peanut butter per day. If it can no longer be done, I shall have to switch to jam. And on a jam sandwich you cannot win the Tour. “
Calvé, the largest supplier of peanut butter, is going to challenge the decision. A spokesman said: “If athletes are not allowed to use our peanut butter anymore we shall have to close the factory and thousands of workers will lose their jobs. We insist that you cannot win the Tour de France or the Eleven Cities Skating Tour on a peanut butter sandwich”
“It is always like that”, the same doping expert says. “If we put a product on the list, you suddenly hear that it does not help. That was the case with EPO and now again with meldonium. But why is there such a strong smell of peanut butter when the peloton passes? That is certainly not for no reason at all. “
Manufacturers of chocolate sprinkles fear that their product will be the next victim of the “doping witch hunt.” “We have asked our athletes to keep their sprinkles use secret. Because that makes you really suspicious. “
But there is still hope. A group of excellent scientists will study the impact of peanut butter on the performance of athletes. We know almost everything about peanut butter except how peanut butter works for top cyclists, so during stage races with seven climbs of the first category. If peanut butter does not work there is nothing to worry about but considering the reputation of the scientists I doubt the good outcome. But first they have to finish their investigation about the efficacy of EPO in top cyclists. From a secret source I heard that research is going on, but an explanation is imminent: EPO does not affect the maximum performance of professional riders. Indeed, performance in extremely trained top cyclists going through EPO use goes sharply backwards. A premature conclusion now: EPO no longer on the doping list and Peanut Butter new on the List.
From deep inside the sport I drew some responses from well-known former athletes. Ellen van Langen, working as a guide of athletes, a ‘coming out’ on the subject of doping use is not going to happen to her. For her it was never a difficult choice to use doping or not. “What no one can ever take away of me, is self-respect and the absolute conviction that I remained faithful to my integrity.” For Ellen, doping sinners cannot be punished hard enough and deserve to be identified and convicted retroactively.
She therefore advocates a condemnation of Joop Zoetemelk, Evert van Benthem and Pieter van den Hoogenband who acknowledged clearly in a commercial of Calve that without the help of peanut butter they could never have reached the top in their sports discipline. We also anxiously await the first elderly athlete, who is still declared positive 50 years after winning his gold medal, during his stay at the retirement home, and then boycotted by his fellow residents after which the board is compelled to deny him or her access to the retirement home.
NRC April 6, 2016
11 years later
Hammer thrower from Russia tests positive.
Olympic hammer throw champion Tatjana Beloborodova provisionally suspended on suspicion of doping. The Russian won a gold medal on the Olympic Games in London as Tatjana Lisenko and became world champion in 2011 and 2013.
According to Russian media, she tested positive after a re-test of a sample from 2005. The 32-year-old athlete, who last year , after giving birth, made her comeback, was suspended for doping from 2007 to 2009 and may expect a heavy punishment in a new offence.
January 16, 2016
32 years later
Ria Stalman who won a gold medal at the Olympics in 1984 for discus has to give up her title Member of Merit of the Dutch Athletics Union. The reason was the doping confession of Stalman. She, like her East German rivals, occasionally took an anabolic steroid pill.
Cycling legend Eddy Merckx about peanut butter: “This is worse than doping.” Eddy Merckx sees offenders rather disappear forever from the race circuit. Cheaters deserve a lifetime suspension.
Kjeld Nuis Dutch skating sprinter: “I train like hell for that one moment: to stand cheering on the highest platform for 150 enthusiastic South Koreans. That is my motivation for all the hard workouts during the summer. But then the play must be played in full honesty. They can check me day and night “out of competition”. I hope they will do the same for all those reliable Russians. I heard that Peanut Butter exports to Russia last year, despite the boycott, has increased by 23 percent. That tells enough. “
Paula Radcliffe also wanted to give her comment, but the world record holder in the marathon waits for the counter-expertise of her urine samples from the last century. Paula had never heard about peanut butter, but if you are going to run faster she wanted to buy some 12 jars. She once used meldonium…….. long ago. But she still remembers well that she was much earlier in her hotel room than the elevator, on the 26th floor of her hotel in Moscow. By the stairs to be sure.